My friend the Inner Critic

I wonder if many of us can relate to having that little voice on our shoulder that points out what we’ve done wrong…reminds us not to get “too big for our boots” if we feel proud of something…whispers that those people don’t really like us….calls us a “stupid idiot” (and worse)…

I certainly can, and I know many of the people I work with in therapy can certainly relate to it as well. Although sometimes we’ve become so used to living with it, that we don’t always recognise it as an “other”, it’s just the way we think or talk about ourselves. And so it’s often helpful to recognise it as our “Inner Critic”, to pause to reflect on where it comes from, and the fact that even though the Inner Critic is often very adamant and persistent in what it says – what it says ISN’T FACT.

Yes – it can come to feel like fact. We have heard it so many times, and for such a LONG time, that we believe it wholeheartedly. Or we may feel that there is enough of a chance that it is true, that we can’t take the risk of feeling exposed to others – the Inner Critic may speak shameful secrets that we need to keep hidden, otherwise everyone will see that we are in fact frauds. Or terrible human beings. And they won’t want us.

And these are often the feelings that come with the Inner Critic.

Shame.

Fear.

Anxiety.

Self-disgust.

Ouch.

So where does our Inner Critic get its material from? Sometimes, we can trace them back directly to a key person or people in our lives who used to talk to us in that way. Often, they are fed by our “core beliefs” – beliefs about ourselves, others and the world that have been laid down since childhood. And usually, we will all have a range of positive and less-positive beliefs. But if we’ve been exposed to conflict, trauma, adverse experiences, neglect – chances are we will have more than our far share of negative core beliefs. Typically around things being our fault, typically feeling not good enough or unloveable, or feeling as if we are “too much” for others. And over time, if these negative beliefs get reinforced enough, they will shape how we see things, a bit like a lens that we see the world through. Because our brains as human beings are predisposed to be biased towards confirmatory evidence – we are biased to spot information that seems to fit with how we already think because this is familiar. Even if the familiar is awful. And so our Inner Critic often points out the things that seem to “fit” with these painful core beliefs….”see, there’s another time you screwed up”, “what else did you expect? Of course they’re going to reject you, no one wants you around…” Ouch again.

And the impact of these Inner Critics? Well, imagine you lived your life with someone physically beside you saying these things. Pointing out all the times you make mistakes. Or perceive that you’ve annoyed someone. Or anticipate rejection. That’s going to get to you, right? None of us would feel happy, confident or content if we had someone walking around with us all day pointing out our (perceived) flaws. Yet, this is often what our Inner Critics do. And they tend to be particularly vocal when we’re already feeling low, anxious or exhausted….Ouch yet again!

And so it begs the question….why do we have Inner Critics? If we draw on a Compassion Focused Therapy approach, we can step back and think about what the function of the Inner Critic is….what is it trying to do (in the only way it knows how)? And often if we’re able to do this, we can see that in some way the Inner Critic is trying to protect us or motivate us.

Really?

Yes, really.

It may be trying to protect us from the anticipated hurt of rejection or failure by seeing it coming, to somehow shield us from it. Or it might be trying to motivate us to do better, to strive harder, in order to be a better person or to avoid confirming that we’re not good enough. But the trouble is, the only way it knows how to do this is through criticism and calling us names.  Which means we might try harder, but it will be in a very threat-driven way, leading to increased anxiety. Or it might mean that we feel so defeated and down, that it stops us from even trying. And instead we want to hide away, withdraw – to avoid the risk of feeling exposed. We can sometimes think about it as similar to having two teachers. Both have the intention of helping children to learn. One teacher does that through shouting and pointing out mistakes and mocking. The other does it by recognising the positives and encouraging to keep going and reflecting on things that weren’t quite right.

And this last example helps us to consider what can help if we do recognise that our Inner Critic is strong. We can tell it to shut up, or ignore it, or call it names in return. But if we consider that it is actually a part of us, and that at some level it has our best interests at heart, it doesn’t really seem to help to respond in turn with aggression or criticism. Because then we’re just adding to the internal conflict. So instead, Compassion Focused Therapy advocates bringing compassion to the Inner Critic. Recognising what it may be trying to do and thanking it for being vigilant, and for “having our backs”. But also reminding it that the content of what it’s saying isn’t necessarily correct. Because the Inner Critic tends to be pretty threat focused by it’s very nature and so it will often be black and white in its thinking. It won’t remember those times we did do something well, or those warm, positive relationships we have with people. And by responding to the Inner Critic with warmth, curiosity and understanding we can actually have a positive impact on that part of our self.

Things like keeping a positive diary log of all the things we’re proud of or feel positively about can help because it shifts our attention to the “good” things. Or having daily mantras of beliefs that we want to nurture can also be helpful, such as “I am good enough just the way I am”. These things can help soften the Inner Critic and help it feel more at ease, which over time can mean it is less vitriolic. And certainly has less impact on us when it’s around. Because we come to realise that what the Inner Critic says is just a perspective, often informed by the worst things we’ve been through – IT IS NOT FACT.